In a way that comprehensively proves the Nietzschian concept of the eternal return, introductions at ski fields and the small towns I frequent often tend to follow a similar pattern. If someone else starts the conversation, things tend to go like this:
Q1: Do you work here?
A1: No. I don’t work anywhere. I am fundamentally broken.
A surprising number of people mistake me for a staff member, especially at hostels and Broken River. I’m not sure whether this is a compliment or an insult. It’s certainly a bit weird and something that should probably concern the staff at these establishments. This answer on its own isn’t disturbing, but when combined with the answer to question 2, eyebrows begin to rise.
Q2: How long are you here for?
A2: I’m in New Zealand for three months.
This question sometimes comes up because people have noticed my Australian accent, but quite a few people don’t pick it up. In New Zealand, however, the ski fields aren’t attached to towns, so you can be pretty sure that anyone who isn’t staff is only around temporarily. In any case, someone who is skiing and not working for three months is something of an oddity. This leads to question 3.
Q3: Where are you from?
A3: Canberra, Australia.
This answer satisfies a bunch of people about questions one and two. New Zealand lore is clear on the topic of Australians. We are all fabulously wealthy and love nothing more than living a life of luxury in NZ.
Q4: So you’ve got a car?
A4: Yeah, I bought one in Christchurch.
This question seems innocent, but really, the locals are trying to work out whether you’re one of the jillions of tourists who come to their country, hire a campervan, then drive around camping on the side of the road and defecating all over the countryside. Understandably, they frown on this kind of unsupervised defecating. Specifying that you have a car denotes that you’re not a freestyle defecator. After the disappointment in their face when they find out you’re Australian, having a car is a good way to keep the conversation civil.
Q5: What do you do in Canberra?
A5: I’m retired.
This is a difficult question to answer accurately. Strictly speaking, I don’t do anything in Canberra. I worked for a while in the local government while I was getting my knee fixed, but it was always a temporary job and pretty much the opposite of a career. I could say I’m unemployed, which is true, but it doesn’t really capture my job state correctly. Unemployment suggests that you either live on welfare or that you’re looking for work. I’m not doing either. I’ve been weaned off welfare and I’m more trying to hide from work than find it. Saying I’m retired is a good approximation to my actual working life and has the benefit of being true if I die soon.
Q6: How long are you at Mount Example for?
A6: I don’t know. What day of the week is it? What does the weather report say?
Since I never bother to book accommodation, I never really know how long I’ll be at a particular place. Sometimes the place will book out and I’ll need to move, other times I’ll get some kind of barely rational intuition that the snow is better somewhere else, if things get extreme I’ll run out of food or fuel and need to head back to town. On Friday, for example, I went to BR to find my ski pants and helmet which I left here last week, intending to go to Roundhill (a field further south) that day. I ended up staying two nights before I found myself delivering someone else’s forgotten gear to Roundhill. Now I’m eying off a new storm coming across on the weather charts and wondering where the best skiing will be.
Q7: Have you been to Temple Basin? I hear they have a 12 metre base and that every night fairies hand deliver a meter of fresh powder, each flake of which has been hand-carved by artisan gnomes from the frozen tears of a friendly white lion.
A7: No. I hear that there are heaps of rocks everywhere and what snow they do have is bulletproof ice. I’ve also met that lion and he’s a dick.
The only people getting really excited about Temple Basin this season are people who haven’t been there.
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