Everyone’s a Cripple

Perhaps occasionally I may have possibly been known to sometimes retell certain humorous or informative stories several times. I realise that in an ideal world life (and/or I) would be interesting enough that I never had to retell a story, that there was always something new and exciting to discuss. However, there are certain stories that even I get sick of telling. Whatever humour, interest or self-congratulations such tales may once have had, for some stories the shine eventually wears off and the whole process gets a bit tedious.

One such story regards my knee reconstructions. This story comes up a lot, often because I’m stretching or occasionally strapping my knee up or resting to manage whatever needs managing. A Friendly Enquirer will often ask:

FE: “Why are you stretching/wearing a bandage/not skiing/such a fantastic human being?”

Me: “My knee is stiff/swollen/being weird/made completely out of awesome.”

Fortunately, Friendly Enquirer can empathise, because Friendly Enquirer has always, ALWAYS had a knee injury. Once every now and then, Friendly Enquirer has really done some damage and understands what’s going, but 95% of the time, Friendly Enquirer is thinking of a very different kind of injury. And funnily enough, for that injury, Friendly Enquirer never had to do much stretching or resting to sort that it out.

FE: “Oh yeah, I’ve got a gammy knee too. You see, there was this time I cut my knee shaving my legs for a hotpants parade/hit myself in the kneecap with a yoyo/had to get out of a REALLY squishy sofa/wore these REALLY tight jeans and my knee has never been the same since. It was really sore for while – I had to skip Zumba for a whole week and to this day I feel excruciating pain every time I crush it in a vice. But you’re young. You shouldn’t have to stretch/strap/rest anything.”

Me: “Hmmm, that sounds... Bad. I’ve had both knees reconstructed in the last four years, including a meniscus repair in the most recent knee. Since November 2007 I’ve spent 23 months doing rehab. After the last injury (where the sound of my ligaments tearing was clearly audible to teammates ten metres away) it hurt to sit upright for two weeks and I couldn’t walk for three months, it took 6 months and a follow-up arthroscopy to stop limping, at which point I was so relieved I almost cried, and within 12 months of the injury (let alone the operation) I was skiing again. But I know what you mean, some razor cuts/yoyos/sofas/pants are really painful/spinny-aroundy/squishy/tight.”

I normally don’t bother to tell Friendly Enquirer that I don’t have a gammy knee. Gammy knees are for wimps who don’t do their rehab.

Also, if anyone has smashed up their knee and is thinking of getting a LARS graft, they get two thumbs up from me. Go plastic!