How To Clean Your Share House

You live in a share house, it's dirty and you want it to be clean(er).

You can't just clean it yourself, because then your housemates will get used to you cleaning up after them and you'll have to clean the house for ever more. You can't just ask your housemates to clean up, because you're anglo and you don't like asking people to do stuff. How do you get everyone to pitch in their fair share without having to resort to a roster like an undergraduate?

Step 1: Have an argument.

Start an argument. It doesn't need to involve the whole house - you don't even have to be a part of the argument once it gets going. It needs to be hostile enough that it makes the people involved in the argument (and any onlookers) uncomfortable, without being anything acrimonius enough to break down the relationships that make your house pleasant to live in. The best possible argument is to have is between to housemates who are romantically involved. These arguments are vastly more awkward for onlookers, so the argument can be much more mellow and still have the desired effect.

Step 2: Clean.

It is a scientifically certified fact that the best way to alleviate inter-housemate awkwardness is to clean. Cleaning is like apologising without even having to admit that there's anything to apologise for. It expresses solidarity with those whose feelings have been hurt, and erodes any resentment that might still linger in the air. Once one person in the house starts to clean, everyone else will want to try to make amends for the argument that just happened (even if they weren't involved) so they'll join in. Before you know it, your house is clean and everyone is talking to each other again. You can express the depth of your regret by taking on particularly unpleasant or stubborn cleaning jobs. Did you just tell your partner that "You ALWAYS blah blah blah?" in front of everyone else? That mould shower curtain is waiting for you to redeem yourself. Did your housemates just call you out for always leaving the stove on? That pile of dirty dishes is your path to salvation. Seriously folks, nothing clears the air like mopping the floor. And if you mop the floor, someone else will shovel snow off the walkway outside.

There you have it. A two step solution to your domestic woes. You can thank me later.