Yesterday I moved out of the hostel where I’ve been living for a month (it was free – I’m not one of those sad people that lives in youth hostels. At least not any more...) and into a house right in the beating heart of Rossland. One of the doors in the house opens into the pizza shop, and I’m right across the road from the main pub. It would actually take longer to have a pizza delivered (since they’d have to walk around to the front door) than it would to just go and pick it up, which is not something that most people can say that about their house.
One of the many odd features of this house is the number of empty picture frames hanging on the walls. They give the house a slightly derelict air and of course we’d like to fill them during our stay here. Now I was going to give you the long and detailed explanation of what I want to put into the picture frames and why, but it occurs to me that this idea is so excellent that it should simply by allowed to stand on its own. It ought to be judged on its merits as an independent concept, rather than the product of some kind of mere historical process.
A tasteful nude.
Yes people, a tasteful nude. Ideally it should be of a man, it should be black and white, it shouldn’t show any really rude bits, although perhaps a bit of butt-cheek would be OK, and it should be unclear whether the photo has been taken by a profession or simply a dedicated amateur. But we don’t want something smutty or crass. This is all about taste and class.
At the moment I’m a little unsure about what approach to take to make my dream a reality. There are several obstacles. First off, I’d need to OK this with my housemates. I have considered the possibility of simply taking said tasteful nude, placing it in one of the picture frames and insisting that it has been on the wall all along, and that no-one has noticed. The risk with this approach is that it might be difficult to get the image I’m after (see below) without making it somewhat obvious that the picture hasn’t been on the wall all along, and if I got caught doing this I’d be seen as something of a weirdo. So, assuming I want to get the housemates on board with this plan, I need to explain to them how the whole thing will work, and I need them to share the joy that I would experience from having such a picture in a public place in the house. There is a risk in this, because if I explain it to them, and they don’t share my enthusiasm, then I’ll look like a weirdo. To further complicate matters, there is a language barrier. Two of my three housemates haven’t arrived yet, and the one that’s here now has good English, but perhaps not good enough English to pick up the subtleties of this particular plan. Again, there’s a strong risk of looking like a weirdo.
But, let’s say that I manage to get the housemates to buy in to this project. There are also some genuine difficulties in getting the right image. What we’re aiming for here is something that will make any guests who see it uncertain as to whether this is a status item that suggests pedigree and culture, or whether it’s a rather creepy and slightly homoerotic photo of one of the housemates. I’m sure the internet is teeming with photos of naked men, but once you narrow it down to the tasteful ones it’s going to be a much smaller pool. And then within that pool, you don’t want something that’s too arty or slick. If it’s a genuine tasteful nude that some beret wearing New York photographer has taken it won’t be any fun at all. Finding something that’s just the right balance of legitimate and creepy is key here, and the internet is a difficult place to find that kind of thing. Also, to find such an image, I’d need to spend days looking at naked pictures of men on the internet. No thanks. So then, we’d need to actually take the photo. This is ideal in a sense, because it guarantees the kind of creepiness we’re after. Plus it means that the photo will be of someone in Rossland, and if possible, we might be able to make it just obscure enough that people think they recognise the subject without being sure. In any case, this is a difficult balance to get right.
Finally, we must print the photo. This is also a bit delicate, because getting caught printing a large-format nude photo that you’ve clearly taken yourself in some kind of commercial printing place is another obvious foray into weirdo territory. That said, I’m sure there’d be a way, and if not, I could always do it in a nearby town that I’d never go back to again.
In all honesty, the biggest hurdle is getting it OK’ed by the housemates. If I can get that done, I’ll be well on the way to creating something special. Wish me luck people – I’ll keep you posted.
You really are a bus stop.
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